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Monday, December 20, 2010

Edible Reindeer Poo????


Apparently, two senior VPs of Marketing were sitting around during a think tank session and getting stoned off their asses.  One of them must have said to the other, "Hey let's sell some Reindeer crap to kids for Christmas. I bet they will really eat that shit up!"

And you know what? Parents, myself included, bought it for their kids and made the company a ton of money.

So for Easter, I am coming out with a new line of Bunny Pee. Just squeeze the bunny's belly and get a stream of generic Mt. Dew straight into your mouth. Now that's the American Dream!

Watch out because the Easter Bunny is coming to town, and he is pissed!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Itsy Bitsy Spider

When Pandora Radio is blaring and I have already had three glasses of Mt. Dew, it is kind of hard not to dance in the shower.

Nickelback and Santana lured me into a false sense of security, which set me up to be sucker punched by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Now I am not even really a big fan of Skynyrd, but when "Sweet Home Alabama" is booming and you are suffering from caffeine intoxication, it's impossible not to bust a move--regardless of how soapy the shower floor is.

Approximately fifteen seconds later, the bar of soap squirted OUTSIDE of the shower, sending me into a sharp turn, running me into the shower caddy, knocking the shampoo bottle in the floor and simultaneously sending a very full, and therefore heavy, bottle of conditioner (because let's face it, I don't have as much hair as I use to that needs moisturizing) crashing down on my left big toe. This, of course, resulted in one legged hopping about the shower in pain in a very Dick Van Dyke fashion.

Meanwhile, one little spider sat up in the corner of the shower laughing his thorax off so hard his little web was shaking. 

Then he said to me, "Seriously, dude? And women actually sleep with you? WTH?"

I had to admit the itsy bitsy spider had a point, and that ALMOST kept me from smearing his little arachnid, smart ass all over the wall.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Elf of Anarchy Revisited


This started with Elf of Anarchy Part One and has now escalated.
I am almost at a loss for words on this one. Any woman who would do this to her husband probably also burns ants with a magnifying glass.

Or maybe it's not the wife. Maybe that demon dog has possessed the Elf.