Saturday, January 8, 2011

How to Make a Chef Boyardee Pizza in 20 Easy Steps

  1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2. Pour 2/3 cup water into mixing bowl. Use 1 cup measuring cup and just estimate 2/3 because finding the right measuring cup wastes too much time.
  3. Open bag of dry pizza dough mix and empty into mixing bowl. Do not use scissors.
  4. Brush half of bag of pizza mix out of hair and eyes and off of shirt so that you no longer look like a Klansman in full regalia. *Note: Do not strike laughing hyena child as visit from Social Services could result.
  5. Stir water and dry pizza mix with whisk.
  6. Add all purpose flour to compensate for overestimating amount of water in wrong size measuring cup.
  7. Stir with whisk.
  8. Painstakingly remove globs of dough from inside of whisk since mixed pizza dough is too thick to shake loose through whisk wires.
  9. Finish stirring dough with spoon.
  10. Coat dough with 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil. Do not bother to dirty up measuring spoon. Estimate as you pour.
  11. Let dough rise in warm place for 5 minutes. *Caution: bottom of plastic bowl may be hot when you remove from oven.
  12. Slop overly oiled pile of gooey dough into middle of wrong size cookie sheet.
  13. Attempt to spread out evenly. After ten minutes, get frustrated and leave hills and holes in place.
  14. Allow son to spread on sauce, pepperoni, and Parmesan cheese.
  15. Tell son to be neat and careful and not to get too close to edges.
  16. When son says, "Oops, sorry, daddy," look in mirror at your hot mess of a self still partially coated in flour and oil and respond "It's ok, baby. Don't worry about it" in magnanimous tone.
  17. Bake for 20 minutes
  18. Do not allow to cool 10 minutes as directed.
  19. Cut and then scoop over sized, droopy, drippy slices into salad bowl.
  20. Burn mouth and say "mmmmmm" while consuming best damn family pizza project on the planet.


  1. Oh what a hoot! The tale sounds so familiar...insert small female child instead of male. Thanks for helping me take the giggle trail to memory lane.

  2. You had me at step 6! I absolutely LOVE this one. BTW, haven't we discussed step 20 before?...I think you're my pizza soul mate. We should start a support group for people who don't seem to learn how consuming pizza directly from the oven can decorticate the roof of your mouth.

  3. YES, I left out the commas after "pizza" and after "oven." I KNOW!!!