Monday, June 27, 2011

Top Six Worst Pains EVERRRRRRR

6. Hammer time. This is a nearly two pound Estwing framing hammer. Notice the waffled face. Imagine smashing your thumb with this, sending a jet of bright red blood 15 feet up the shingles of a brand new roof. (That's why you don't use a framing hammer for roofing. Duh, Mr. Roughton.) Now imagine it's mid-January and you throw the stupid hammer as far as you can out in the icy Albemarle Sound - only to realize you don't have a spare hammer, so if you want to get paid for working that day, you better get to swimming for your hammer.

5. You have some gall! I've never given birth (though some days I feel like it), but I can imagine it's not quite as painful as gall stones. It's the same principle: squeezing something impossibly large through an opening that's impossibly small. Only with gall stones, there's no vision of a forthcoming beautiful babe to get you through the pain. The doctor just hands you a vial of rocks.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Advice to My Son On His Journey to Becoming a Man (In No Particular Order)

(Today, we delve into the single father side of the blog a little more than the humor side. We will return you to your regularly scheduled chuckles after this broadcast.)

  1. Work hard. Anything worth wanting is worth working hard for. Whether it's a new video game, a car, a college degree, the girl of your dreams, or food on your family's table, a blue collar work ethic will serve you well - no matter the life path you choose. Almost everyone needs a little help now and then, but it should be the exception and not the rule. (Any help you ever receive should be repaid to the giver or else paid forward.) The sweat of your brow, the muscles in your back, and the power of your mind are all powerful tools that no one can take from you. The lazy do not find success in life; it is by your own efforts that you will get ahead.
  2. Do not be afraid of failure. If you give everything your best effort, you have already succeeded. Attempt more than seems possible. Wayne Gretsky once said, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." If you make an attempt at something and fail, the worst thing that can happen is you learn from the experience and increase the likelihood of success on your next try. And be confident. The little voice inside your head that says "I can't" comes from the naysayers around you who are envious of your strength of spirit.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Fresh Air Fund

Because of the parental nature of my blog, I have been asked to give some exposure to this group: Fresh Air Fund.

These guys help locate opportunities for inner city kids to have "summer experiences in the country and the suburbs", a breath of fresh air if you will.

Check them out if you have a minute.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

What Happens in the Bahamas...

So today, let's talk about our last stop in the Bahamas before heading back to sea. This visit once again features my drunk, back of the scooter riding friend. And once again, we will let her remain nameless to protect her anonymity.

After we returned the slightly wrecked scooter to Duran and company, we still had a couple of hours before we had to reboard the Carnival Fantasy, sooooo we went to Señor Frog's.

This place is a haven for inebriated tourists who don't want to have to venture far from the cruise ship to get their drink on. Everyone I know who has done a Bahamas trip recommends it.

If your recall, my friend and I had already consumed a couple of blenders full of alcohol with a little bit of fruit mixed in - Thanks Chris!

So with our good base coat of alcohol laid in, we proceeded to order the standard size drink at Señor Frog's - the yard. 

After a couple of these apiece, we were dancing at our table. In fact, the anonymous friend climbed on top of her wobbly bar stool and proceeded to shake her booty with the best of the 20 year olds.