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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dumb Shit I Did For Fun As A Kid

  • Climbed to the top of trees with Glenn Brickhouse and Ellis Liverman and swayed the trees back and forth to ride them to the ground like an amusement park ride. Great fun except the time one broke, dropping Ellis about 20 feet straight down to land on his head.
  • With Glenn, played who can throw the rock closest to the house window without breaking it. I won. And I ran like hell while Glenn was getting his ass tore up with a curtain rod. What a friend.
  • With Glenn, purposely set a plank insecurely across two branches of a tree, sat on the plank, and rocked the tree back and forth, so we would fall out but not know exactly when. Doh.
  • Hunted for dog poo with Barry Jackson, so we could put it on people's doorsteps. Got mad when we couldn't find any in the yard, so we broke into a dog pen to steal some.  Yes, seriously.
  • Had dirt clog fights in a potato field on a pitch black night with Glenn, Barry, Scott Jackson, and others. Run! Which way? I don't know!
  • With Glenn (do you sense a pattern here?), climbed out onto a tree branch overhanging a road and dropped gumballs onto passing cars.
  • With Glenn, Ellis, "Cheesy" Thomas Brickhouse, and others, played football in a literal hurricane with waves crashing up over the top of a neighbor's sound front house trailer. Throw the ball forward; watch it go backwards.
  • Rode bicycles with Barry Jackson 7 miles to town. Stopped in the middle of the country road because a black bear was sitting in the middle of it and would not move. Rode a little closer and barked like hound dogs to try and get the bear to move.
  • Played bicycle chase with Barry on wet streets in town. Took a corner too fast, lost control, flew over the back of a car, and landed in a prickly hedge. Hoped Barry wouldn't laugh at me. Then realized that was his body flying through the air about to land on top of me. Got up and felt no pain until we pointed out each other's bloodied legs. Funny how it hurts after you see it.
I'm sure there is enough material for another post, but that's all for now folks.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

New Game Show to Debut Locally

Normally, I don't make multiple posts in one day, so this one will be short. However, I could not let this guy go unblogged since he made the whole line in the grocery store wait while he went and got three more items AFTER the cashier already had him rung up.

So without further ado, it's time to play everybody's new favorite game show, Imagine that Gastroinstestinal Malfunction!!!!!!

Today's contestant walked four aisles down to pick up a few extra items, leaving the audience plenty of time to see his initial purchases:
  • 12 (count em) tins of sardines
  • 1 small bottle of Tabasco sauce
  • 2 cans of Hormel chili
  • 1 roll of generic paper towels
  • 1 canister of Febreze (how perfect is that)
Upon returning from his vacation to the snack aisle, he added these times:
  • 1 bag of red hot cheese puffs
  • 2 large canisters of Slim Jims (Were they buy one get one, or do you just REALLY love them that much?)
Now picture this guy eating all this at once as soon as he got home (which I'm pretty sure he was going to do, considering his glazed over eyes), and...

Imagine that Gastroinstestinal Malfunction!!!!!!

Thanks for playing, and we will see you next time.

A Boy and His Dog

Connor has only ever had one pet, a hamster named Happy, whom somebody -who shall remain nameless but who might possibly be the author of this blog- sent into a permanent hibernation by accident. Connor liked the lil furball, but a hamster is not exactly made for cuddling up with, ya know? 

So since he has lived up to his side of the bargain and maintained good grades all year (All A Honor Roll everytime) and has won other academic awards (Most AR Points Read by a 3rd Grader in the whole school district, for example), and since he is a little more focused and responsible at the ripe old age of almost 9, Connor is getting a puppy as part of his upcoming birthday.

This is him meeting the pup for the first time at my cousin's house (big shout out to Anita and Travis Simpson):


When we arrived, Travis was feeding all the pups and calling them all Sweetie in a generic form, not really referencing a single pup. When Connor and I later got to my parents' house, we printed out four pages of puppy names from the internet from which to choose a name. With all those choices, what did he decide on? Yep, you guessed it. Sweetie.

It has been just under 24 hours since we first saw Sweetie, and Connor has asked to go visit her at least 837 quadrillion times. (Sweetie is not yet fully weened and can't come home with us just yet.) In addition, he has absent mindedly run into a door frame, causing his baseball injured knee to rebleed. He has nearly had his head smacked three times while we were tossing around the baseball in the yard. He came close to running his bike in the ditch twice. He forgets the answer to any question that is not about his puppy This kind of daydreaming is usually reserved for a young, new love; and I supposed that's what this is: puppy love. Still, it makes me wonder if I should have waited until after he took his End of Grade Tests before springing the puppy on him.

But even with the new lack of focus and the 837 quadrillion pleadings to go see Sweetie, Connor has also given me 838 quadrillion hugs, kisses, and "Thank you, thank you, daddies." So I guess maybe that will be enough to get me through the first time I step barefooted in the wrong spot, sending puppy poo squishing between my toes.

I'm not sure about the second time...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Dear John Letter

My son is gone to his mom's for Easter weekend, and I am off work for Spring Break for a week for some R&R. Soooo, I had a couple of drinks last night with my neighbors.

I'm not sure what all happened, but when I woke up this morning, there was a pile of empty candy wrappers in the floor beside my  bed. When I went to the kitchen to get my morning caffeine fix (Diet Mt. Dew), there was an empty bag of min-muffins on the counter. How odd is that? Hmm.

So anyway, I went into the bathroom like every morning to check the weight loss progress. The funny thing is, the scales were missing. I assumed they must be hiding under the bed and thought nothing more about it. However, as I pulled some toilet paper off the roll to blow my nose, I found this note written on the roll:

Dear Dean,
My family has finally made me see the light. I cannot continue to live with this kind of regular abuse. At first, I thought maybe it was me, but I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. I sit here everyday and wonder, what will happen in the morning. Will he lose a pound or two and love me all day? Or will he gain a pound and bring the bat out yet again? I cannot take the constant fear, the not knowing. I want you to be happy, but I cannot let your happiness come at the cost of my own suffering. I know that you will find another set of scales in time. I hope you have learned from our relationship, and then when you do find that next set, maybe you can both be happy together.

All My Love,
Health-O-Meter Bathroom Scales

Well, ain't that about a bitch.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Terror in the Ville

This past weekend's planned divergence from Atkins:

Friday night:
  • ice cream
  • pop corn
  • orange flavored Air Head candy
Saturday:
  • two bacon sandwiches - ahhhhhh, bread!
  • a fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut
  • potato salad
  • baked beans
  • cake!
  • half a half gallon of Captain Morgan
Sunday:
  • Big Mac meal from McDonalds - OMG fresh fries from Mickey D's!!!!
  • two burgers from the grill on Sound Side
  • potato salad
  • half a bag of cheese waffle snacks
  • chocolate covered granola bar
  • Cherry flavored air head candy
Primary effects:
  • carb craving eradicated for probably two weeks
  • net gain (mostly water weight) of 7 pounds
Seconday effect:

All morning I kept hearing some vibrations coming from the bathroom. It gets pretty windy out here in Weeksville, so I assumed it was the air vent rattling from some downdraft. But, for once, it was not overly windy this morning.

My second thought was that maybe there was a mouse in there because they are plowing the fields around here and could be sending the mice running for cover. However, I have never seen a mouse in the 5 years I have lived here, and there was still not one this morning.

Then my mind started racing. Snake? No way! Not a snake in my house?!?!??! So with baseball bat in hand, I crept on tip toe into the bathroom. After all, the only good snake is a dead snake.

However, as soon as I peeked in the bathroom, the source of the rattling became obvious. My poor scales, aware of my weekend carb orgy, were in the corner trembling in abject terror. As soon as they saw the bat in my hand, they screeched a high pitched little girly squeal and darted out of the bathroom.

I chased them around the house three times, tripping over my own dumb feet two times in the process, until the scales finally dove under the bed where I can't reach them. And that is where they have sat trembling for these two hours now, and no amount of coaxing will get them to come out.

So it appears, I will not be able to give you all a weight loss update until later this week when I have dropped the weekend splurge weight, and the scales' trepidation subsides.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Goodfellas Weight Loss Plan

I'm about 6 weeks into Extreme Atkins now, and I have lost 30 pounds. Others have commented on my Facebook that they have hit a wall in their weight loss plan and wonder how I keep losing. Well, despite my extremely sparse diet and increased cardio, I have also slowed down. It's getting harder and harder to drop more weight.

Take today's weigh in for example. This morning's weigh in trials were up and down (I always weigh more than once to verify accuracy). Based on yesterday's weigh in, today's (all within a few minutes of each other) show the following:

  1. Loss of about half a pound. Grrrr. Is that all?
  2. No loss. What?
  3. No loss. Ok, now. Stop playing.
  4. Gain of a pound. You are full of it.
  5. Gain of TWO pounds. You can kiss my ass!


    Ok, this is getting ridiculous. There is a time for fun and games, but I want a serious answer. I am only going to ask you this one more time, and I better hear something I like...


    6. Loss of three quarters of a pound.
    Yeah, that's what I thought, bitch!