Sunday, October 9, 2011

Atkins Anti-Christ

I fear my carb free soul is in mortal peril. Recently, tools of the devil have been mysteriously appearing in my home. First, it was a baking sheet. Then a cooling rack. Then this evil behemoth of a mixer showed up one day.

Finally, I knew it was the beginning of the end when the most devilish, anti-Atkins device on the planet magically appeared: vanilla extract.

 Now I have never extracted vanilla in my life. In fact, I know of not one single historical instance of vanilla extract magic potion ever being used in the creation of a garden salad, broccoli and cheese, or steamed spinach. It's just not done. So when the vanilla extract crept through the shadow of night to lurk in my cabinets, I knew there would be trouble.

Sure enough, the beautiful princess, who had begun to inhabit my house by day, began nightly to transform into an insidious witch with the most replete baking arsenal known to man. Her excuse was she was baking love filled creations for her children.

First, it was home made, chocolate chip cookies. Then blueberry muffins. Then pancakes with fruit flavored syrup. TWO KINDS!!!!!  The nerve of this she-devil, using the innocence of her children as camouflage to practice her dark arts in my home.

Even now, I lie here upon the cold, kitchen linoleum trapped, barely able to type on this laptop. All I wanted was to find the low fat salad dressing. Is a little Italian dressing too much to ask in life?

Unsuspecting, I opened the cabinet slowly, only to be pinned to the floor by an evil avalanche of muffin cups, sprinkles, blue icing, assorted food coloring, baking soda, and yes, even Fleischmann's yeast.

If somehow this message gets through to the outside world, please - somehow, someway - send help!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Tooth Fairy

My son and I went to the dentist today for our six month check up/cleaning. Everything was fine; there were no cavities to report.

However, my son has what the dentist called a "dental pimple", which is a small bump on his gums on the only tooth, a baby molar, where he has ever had a cavity. Apparently, when they filled the cavity about a year and a half ago, they did not completely clean away all the decay before applying the filling. As a result, the tooth nerve has begun to deteriorate.

While it doesn't bother Connor any whatsoever so far, the dentist indicated that it would only get worse and that it would definitely become problematic before it fell out naturally in a year and a half to two years.

The solution is to extract the tooth, which doesn't sound like a great solution; however, since it's just a baby tooth, it's no major life event. The dentist was very patient with Connor, explaining step by step what was involved and approximately how long it would take.

At the end of the dentist's lenghty explanation, Connor sighed quite loudly.

The dentist responded, "Oh don't worry, Buddy.  It won't hurt at all. You won't feel a thing."

"I'm not worried about it hurting. That doesn't scare me at all."

"So what's the problem then?"

"Well, that sure seems like a lot of work for one single tooth that I'm only going to get $1 for!"

Sorry kiddo, but the Tooth Fairy is feeling the economic crunch like the rest of us.