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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

You Were Warned!

Dear Pepperidge Farm Milano Slices,

You knew I had just started back on Atkins after a Thanksgiving week of pure gluttony. You assumed my guilty conscience and strong resolve would keep you safe. I gave you a glare as I walked past you on the cookie aisle, yet you continued to smirk.

Then as I was checking out, there you were again on the upsell rack - bragging to your friends about taunting me with impunity. You even had the nerve to dive into my cart and sneak your way into the trunk of my car.

And now you have the audacity to hop out on my kitchen counter and parade yourself around in front of the lettuce and low fat string cheese?

Then, now you die!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Batter Up

Through some random conversation at work today, I recounted these events, so I thought I would share the story with you guys:

When I was around 11 years old or so, I went to my room one Sunday afternoon and dozed off by accident. Now before I had fallen asleep, the house was full of people eating Sunday dinner. My aunt and uncle were home next door. My neighbors were home across the street. The neighborhood was pretty much bustling with action.

When I awoke and came out of my cave a couple of hours later, I couldn't find a soul in my house. I went next door, but my aunt and uncle were gone too. I went over to see if my neighbor friend wanted to play, but nobody was there. It was eerily quiet in the neighborhood.

I was beginning to get a little concerned at his point, so I went back home and called my grandmother's house.  No answer.

So I dialed my other aunt's house. No answer.

I tried several more numbers and got either no answer or an answering machine.

Just about that the time I hung up the phone the fifth time, I had a flashback to a movie we had seen in church, a two hour fear fest about the rapture.

And just about the time I had that flashback, I heard a whole pack of dogs break the silence with some high pitched, really insane sounding yowling.

And just about 2.5 seconds later, I was under the bed armed with my baseball bat and Bible - ready to fight off anyone who tried to put the mark of the beast on me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Messages to Random People This Week

  • In my rear view mirror, I can see your handicapped parking permit, but you seem to be misinformed. My bumper is not a designated handicapped parking spot.
  • "Extra" credit implies you already did something to be awarded initial credit.
  • REALLY nice rims! They go well with the bondo all over your left quarter panel, and the smoking exhaust is a nice touch.
  • Telling your kid "If you calm down, mommy will get you a surprise" just encourages WalMart to give your kid free sugar when you walk in the door.
  • If you work a cash register, you might want to learn how to count change. Perhaps, you could look into taking preschool math.
  • You call yourself a blogger? Your last post was over a month ago! Oh, wait...that's me.
  • Putting a sign up to keep yourself out of the snack cabinet does not do much good to keep you out of your kid's Halloween candy sitting on the counter. Oh, wait...that's me again. (You would think I would have learned from LAST YEAR.)