Monday, December 24, 2012

My Dad Got Out of Jail

Published with the permission of my anonymous friend. If you know Mr. Anonymous, please allow him to stay that way by not mentioning his name here or on any other social media platform where this post might appear.
Also, please - no bashing. This guy did his time and learned his lesson. Laughing your ass off, however, is acceptable. Gracias.
His son turned this into his teacher as a routine writing assignment:
"This weekend I saw the polar express movie.We got the big dinner box at pizza hut. it was fun  my dad got out of jail and it"
"was his last week. This weekend was a blast. Soon it will be cristmas and I will spend time with  my family."
Three things:
  1. Your kids will love you no matter what.
  2. Your kids will tell it all.
  3. Don't drink and drive.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Happy Birthday, Dear Mommy...

A conversation while standing in the checkout line at WalMart and upon discovering I was directly behind a co-worker:

Co-worker: "Oh hi, Dean. How's it going?"

Me: "Pretty well. How about you?"

Co-worker: "Can't complain. Chocolates, huh? For the girlfriend? Good man!"

Me: "Uh, not exactly. This is a replacement gift for my mother's birthday this week because I stupidly thought the other box would be safe in my house for several days."

Co-worker (with a look one might give a person when trying to ascertain if he is insane or just completely stupid): "Oh, I see. Hmm, well ok, I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I will see you, umm, next week I guess."  -the last part said while tiptoeing away as if to avoid stepping on an Iraqi landmine.

Oh yeah, mom, guess what you are getting for your birthday. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Throat Gonorrhea Crisis Averted

Ok, everyone you can hold off on your orders of cherry flavored throat condoms. It is official. I do NOT have throat gonorrhea.

I DO officially have strep throat for which I just received some meds. I got a brand new, handy, dandy Z-Pak to take care of the infection since I'm allergic to penicillin.

I also got a couple of days' worth of Hydrocodon for pain. (By the way, I did learn that one of the symptoms of throat gonorrhea is blurred vision, so you can use this picture as an indicator to see whether or not you need to get checked out for that.)

Now, since I am quite the responsible adult (shut up), I read all the warning labels. As it turns out, I cannot even start taking the freaking pain pills until I find out whether or not I am pregnant. (41 is still "of childbearing age" right?")

So until I go buy a freaking Clearblue easy (cause blue is purty), I will have to suffer in  pain. Can I never get a break in life?!?!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Does This Strep Make My Butt Look Big?

Things I Have Learned Recently:
  • If you search the word "strep" on Google images, you will find other freaks besides me who have posted images of their own possible strep throat.
  • While hard candy in general may soothe sore throats, Atomic Fireballs may not necessarily have that effect. You should try this yourself just to be sure. No, for real. Go ahead.
  • If you avoid going to the doctor because you can't get an appointment with a regular one and the co-pay at Urgent Care using your awesome state insurance is a whopping $87, then a couple of days of intensity later and you will be begging to go pay that minuscule $87.
  • WebMD is NOT your friend!!! It actually scares the hell out of me once I start typing in symptoms.
  • On the other hand, "epiglottis" and "uvula" are funny as hell if you say them out loud really fast like a tongue (or tonsil) twister.
  • With the incredibly intense gag reflex (see tiny flashlight above) I have, it is fortunate that I am not attracted to men. Just saying.
  • And in what I'm assuming could be related to the above, here is an actual WebMD quote: "A bacterial infection may also cause a sore throat. This can occur from...In rare cases, a sexually transmitted disease (STD), such as gonorrhea or chlamydia. If you have engaged in high-risk sexual behavior, consider whether gonorrhea or chlamydia may be present. For more information, see the topic Exposure to Sexually Transmitted Diseases."

So you are saying I could have gonorrhea of the throat?!?! WTF?!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

15 Minute Gourmet

So I decided to cook one of the overpriced packages of soup I bought for my son's school fundraiser.

But...what's wrong with this picture?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Self-esteem for Sale! Get It While It's Hot!

If you don't have kids, you may not understand the reasoning for purchasing $5 worth of food products for $33. Ok, scratch that. I AM a parent, and I still don't understand it.

I guess what it boils down to is that fundraiser companies DO have an excellent understanding of parents' psyches in that we are not paying for their delicious "gourmet" products. We are paying for the smiles on our kids faces for not having to be the only kid who does not get to go to the end of sale school wide event.

Way to capitalize on our children's insecurities and need for inclusion, Corporate America! Job well done.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Fear My Cooking Wrath!!!

My cooking skills







Bertolli's Alfredo Sauce anyone?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

A Mom, Only Without the Good Sense

We have had, and are continuing to have, a weekend of really crappy weather. Thanks a lot Hurricane Sandy, Little Miss Tardy to the Party. Everyone knows you are not supposed to have hurricanes just before Halloween. Geez, come on. Wal-Mart is stocked up on Christmas crap already, not bottled water and batteries!

Since we have a lot of indoor time, I took advantage yesterday to do 6.9 million loads of laundry. This includes two loads that were stuffed in laundry baskets, clean but massively wrinkled and in need of some serious fluff time before folding. (It is also possible that one of said loads had to be fluffed yet again as I might have gotten side tracked during the football game in which Giovanni Bernard was making the NC State Wolf Puppies mewl like kittens.) Currently, every scrap of cloth in the house is clean. Note: this could change at any moment as I am considering letting Connor go outside to experience some hurricane ditch surfing.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

How to Tell If You Are a Parent

If you ever suffer massive amnesia, of the likes typically seen in overwritten melodramas, action movies, and sci-fi flicks, and you wake up wondering for days who you are and what your role is in life, then here are some sure fire ways to at least narrow down whether or not you are a parent:
  • You have superhuman hearing that wakes you up in the middle of the night if there is even the mildest creak out of the ordinary. (Yes, I know if you have amnesia you won't know what's out of the ordinary. Just shut up, and go with it.)
  • The back seat of your car is strewn with cookie, cracker, or chips crumbs. (As secondary verification, be sure there is no other evidence back there that you could be having an extra-marital affair with a Keebler elf.)
  • When you put on your socks, one fits perfectly, but its mate only goes up just past your toes.
  • You look for something sweet to eat in your cabinets and satisfy your craving with an entire fistful of gummy vitamins.
  • Your freezer has at least one shelf full of pizza rolls, microwaveable chicken nuggets, fish sticks, and macaroni and cheese. (Be careful as this may also indicate that you are a stoner.)
  • When you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, you wander around the other rooms in your house to make sure "everything is alright."
  • During this midnight walk around the house, you trip over a bunch of crap in the floor and damn near break your neck. As you fly head first across the carpet, you try to transform the scream of "shit" coming out of your mouth into "sugar" but don't quite make it.
  • While in the grocery store or Wal-Mart, you see an, obviously, non-parent critiquing a parent's effort to discipline his or her child, and you think (about the non-parent), "I will stab you in the eye."
Now that you have figured out you are a parent, you should probably try to find your kid. Just go to the closest school and walk around randomly. One of two things will happen:

  1. Your kid will smile and run up to you. Congratulations, you are probably a great parent!
  2. There may be one kid who absolutely refuses to make eye contact and looks totally embarrassed that you walked in. Well, at least you found your kid...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Most Idiotic Undergrad Ever

I'm currently working on the college years chapter of the manuscript and thought some of you might want to revisit this post, which starts off the chapter:

Here is a letter from my undergraduate years at UNC. I was 20 years old at the time.

Department of University Housing
Division of Student Affairs CB# 5500, Carr Building
Chapel Hill, N.C. 27599-5500

To: Residents in Suite 839-842 FROM: D. Jones DATE: 12/2/91

While inspecting your suite during closing on November 27, 1991, it was discovered that the hallway and bathroom shared by the six residents residing in this suite was left in poor condition. This included trash bags in the hallway, beer boxes and beer cans in the bathroom, personal items left in the shower and above the sinks. In addition,there was an object hanging from the ceiling that is in direct violation of the University and State of North Carolina Fire Codes.

(See the rest of the post here.)

Monday, October 8, 2012

My Next Girlfriend

 My next girlfriend must like books. I don't mean she should be a reader. Yes, I mean that as well, but more than that. She should like the physicality of books, the feel and smell of them; she should have a desire to touch their pages with her fingers, to whisper her secrets to them and listen to their secrets in return, to get lost in between their front and back covers the way others might get lost in the woods while following the path of a stream strewn with mossy boulders just to see where the path goes.

My next girlfriend must like spice. She should like the adventure of it and not be afraid to smear a little wasabi on her hibachi grill, a little Texas Pete on her fried chicken, a little me on her tongue. She should get into a pissing contest with me to see who can eat the hottest wings and chase them with the coldest beer. She should wear habanero sauce like lipstick just to see if I can take it.

My next girlfriend must be independent. She should have her own way of doing things and to hell with me if I don't agree with her methods because, damnit, I don't pay her bills and by God, she only has one daddy. She should have a hard crunchy, candy shell with a soft, chocolate center because independent doesn't mean invulnerable no matter how much you want it to, and while pillows are good for cuddling, they do little in the dark of night to stop the creeping in of doubts and insecurities through the half open curtains.

Thursday, April 26, 2012


Connor, you are all too familiar with my motto: "Life is all about the choices we make." So the next time you let your temper get the better of you and earn yourself a one day suspension from school, think about these choices.

Would you rather:

Play basketball in PE class, chill with your friends at lunch, have recess, play games in computer class, etc.



Totally your choice, playah!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Let's Pretend I Have Been Blogging

Holy crap, when is the last time I posted anyway??!?! 

Sorry about all that. I have been working on my manuscript and suffering from menstrual cramps as well. Plus, having been snip-snipped and told to sit my scrotum down on a bag of frozen peas has not made me want to spend a lot of time in a computer chair until recently.

Having said that, I am back...I think. (Or at least I am back way more than I have been in the past couple of months.)

In the meantime, go buy this book:

Let's Pretend This Never Happened

My girlfriend laughed so hard and long I had to send her into another room, so I could concentrate on my own manuscript and so I didn't develop an inferiority complex to Jenny Lawson, the author.

Jenny Lawson reminds me of me. If I had a vagina. And if I grew up in rural Texas instead of rural North Carolina. And if I already had a book published. But other than that, we pretty much share the same DNA. Only not.

Anyway if you think the image of a little girl wearing a dead dear carcass for a sweater is both funny and a little disturbing, which makes it even funnier, then you will like this book.

Go. Buy it. Now.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Now Cough...

I am a respected professional in my field. I teach hundreds of college students annually. I am the head of my department. I help effect institution wide changes to help improve how the entire college runs and how well students learn. I don't tell you any of this to brag. I tell you this, so you have an idea of my confidence level. I never have a case of nerves because I am always prepared.

All that flies straight out the window when you have a large man sitting in a chair with his face 18 inches from your crotch, who says in a thick Caribbean accent, "Please drop your pants."

Now I know this doctor is also a professional, but when you hear "drop your pants" followed by the extremely loud snap of rubber gloves being pulled on, it's difficult not to have a George Costanza "I was in the pool!" moment.

Just another in a long list of reasons why I hate doctors: They cause extreme embarrassment. They cause me pain, both physical and financial. They make tons of money off me, which they use to sail to Jamaica and drink rum for weeks on end, while I sit in a dreary classroom having exciting discussions about the world of comma splices.

But being the unselfish person I am, I want my students to experience all that life has to offer. It will give them more content about which to write and make them more well rounded people in general.

Therefore, starting Monday, whenever I return essays all marked up in the brightest, most blood red ink I can find, I will first stand at the front of the class and, as loudly as humanly possible, snap on some ominous looking doctor's gloves. Then I will pick up the stack of essays, and as I return the first one - to the most obnoxious student in the room, I will say in my most resonating bass voice, "Now turn your head and cough."