Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Happy Birthday, Dear Mommy...

A conversation while standing in the checkout line at WalMart and upon discovering I was directly behind a co-worker:

Co-worker: "Oh hi, Dean. How's it going?"

Me: "Pretty well. How about you?"

Co-worker: "Can't complain. Chocolates, huh? For the girlfriend? Good man!"

Me: "Uh, not exactly. This is a replacement gift for my mother's birthday this week because I stupidly thought the other box would be safe in my house for several days."

Co-worker (with a look one might give a person when trying to ascertain if he is insane or just completely stupid): "Oh, I see. Hmm, well ok, I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I will see you, umm, next week I guess."  -the last part said while tiptoeing away as if to avoid stepping on an Iraqi landmine.

Oh yeah, mom, guess what you are getting for your birthday. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Throat Gonorrhea Crisis Averted

Ok, everyone you can hold off on your orders of cherry flavored throat condoms. It is official. I do NOT have throat gonorrhea.

I DO officially have strep throat for which I just received some meds. I got a brand new, handy, dandy Z-Pak to take care of the infection since I'm allergic to penicillin.

I also got a couple of days' worth of Hydrocodon for pain. (By the way, I did learn that one of the symptoms of throat gonorrhea is blurred vision, so you can use this picture as an indicator to see whether or not you need to get checked out for that.)

Now, since I am quite the responsible adult (shut up), I read all the warning labels. As it turns out, I cannot even start taking the freaking pain pills until I find out whether or not I am pregnant. (41 is still "of childbearing age" right?")

So until I go buy a freaking Clearblue easy (cause blue is purty), I will have to suffer in  pain. Can I never get a break in life?!?!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Does This Strep Make My Butt Look Big?

Things I Have Learned Recently:
  • If you search the word "strep" on Google images, you will find other freaks besides me who have posted images of their own possible strep throat.
  • While hard candy in general may soothe sore throats, Atomic Fireballs may not necessarily have that effect. You should try this yourself just to be sure. No, for real. Go ahead.
  • If you avoid going to the doctor because you can't get an appointment with a regular one and the co-pay at Urgent Care using your awesome state insurance is a whopping $87, then a couple of days of intensity later and you will be begging to go pay that minuscule $87.
  • WebMD is NOT your friend!!! It actually scares the hell out of me once I start typing in symptoms.
  • On the other hand, "epiglottis" and "uvula" are funny as hell if you say them out loud really fast like a tongue (or tonsil) twister.
  • With the incredibly intense gag reflex (see tiny flashlight above) I have, it is fortunate that I am not attracted to men. Just saying.
  • And in what I'm assuming could be related to the above, here is an actual WebMD quote: "A bacterial infection may also cause a sore throat. This can occur from...In rare cases, a sexually transmitted disease (STD), such as gonorrhea or chlamydia. If you have engaged in high-risk sexual behavior, consider whether gonorrhea or chlamydia may be present. For more information, see the topic Exposure to Sexually Transmitted Diseases."

So you are saying I could have gonorrhea of the throat?!?! WTF?!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

15 Minute Gourmet

So I decided to cook one of the overpriced packages of soup I bought for my son's school fundraiser.

But...what's wrong with this picture?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Self-esteem for Sale! Get It While It's Hot!

If you don't have kids, you may not understand the reasoning for purchasing $5 worth of food products for $33. Ok, scratch that. I AM a parent, and I still don't understand it.

I guess what it boils down to is that fundraiser companies DO have an excellent understanding of parents' psyches in that we are not paying for their delicious "gourmet" products. We are paying for the smiles on our kids faces for not having to be the only kid who does not get to go to the end of sale school wide event.

Way to capitalize on our children's insecurities and need for inclusion, Corporate America! Job well done.