Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Contest: Win a Free Copy of the Book

Obviously, I should be working on the last couple of chapters of the book. At the same time, I need to get the cover done, so I can have an image to use for pre-ordering, which can take place at the same time I and my readers/editor are finishing up with the manuscript.

To finish the cover, I need to add my back cover blurbs. Now I know some well published authors who I could get blurbs from, but these people tend to write serious, life-examining, tear jerking type stuff, and well, let's face it, that ain't my style.

Therefore, I have decided to be like Macklemore and "give it to the people." So here we go: free signed author copy of The Most Educated Idiot I Know contest #1.

Here is a random picture of my birthday cake from two years ago even though I am not 40 anymore because
  1. Posts with pics get more views.
  2. My God, look at all that chocolate.

To be eligible for the contest, you must like the Facebook author page since you will be identified on the cover (in part) as a Facebook fan. Next, leave your blurb submission in the comment section below the Facebook posting of this blog post and get as many people as you can to like it. The winner will not be chosen solely on the most comment likes, but this will definitely be taken into consideration.

"But Dean, what the hell do I say in a book cover blurb?"

Glad you asked. Think back cover of Tina Fey's Bossypants in the sense that you can submit a comment for a heading of "Praise" For Dean Roughton  or for a heading of Advance "Praise" for The Most Educated Idiot I Know - where the term praise can be literal or used loosely.

You can say whatever you want, but this is a ridiculous book in a lot of ways, so the cover blurbs should attract a reader looking for something in the humor category. You may submit as many blurbs as you want, but use a separate comment for each.

Ok, I have procrastinated long enough. Now you go write some crap while I go write some crap.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Observations from Water Country USA

If you think wearing water shoes is not attractive/sexy, just imagine how sexy your butt will be limping around with blistered feet after walking barefoot on scorching concrete all day. (Anybody got any foot aloe?)

Also, Water Country USA is a family place. Wearing a netted bikini with two square inches of cloth over your orifices would be inappropriate even if you didn't have more cottage cheese than the dairy section of Food Lion.

Finally, I apologize for squishing the tiny human at the end of the water slide. I'm sorry you are now traumatized for life by a sunburned Sasquatch in Carolina blue swim trunks falling on you from the sky, but that's why the life guard was telling you to get out of the exit pool and stop swimming around.

Now everybody go get wet this summer!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Carpe Solem

Spring may be traditionally associated with rebirth and new life, but it’s summer where the real zest for life exists.  And while the official, calendar start of summer is still three weeks off, the weather (at least here in eastern NC) has boldly announced, “Hey, summer is here! Now what are you going to do about it?”

In an age of technological addiction (guilty as charged!) with 500 channels of nothing on TV, advanced video game consoles that make the old Atari system of the 80s look like an abacus, and portable phones and other devices that are 1,000 times as powerful as my first computer (a bulky, green screened monster that took up my entire desk), it’s easy to find oneself laid up in some soothing air conditioning, sipping on sugary drinks all day and turning into a vegetable brained zombie.
I say to you Carpe Solem!
Got kids? They will be grown in the blink of an eye. Cherish your time with them before the lure of
the world snatches up every free second. Get up off your ass and go make some memories. Today.  Right now. Play basketball together. Hunt ladybugs with your little one. Dig up some earthworms, grab a cane pole, and do some fishing! Who cares if you catch anything? Bring a picnic lunch and enjoy just being together by the edge of the water. Take your kids to Lowe’s and let them pick out their own flowers; then let them plant them in their own little plot of dirt. Throw baseball. Play corn hole. Get some sidewalk chalk, and the both of you let out your inner Van Goghs. (Just please no ear mutilation). Bubbles never get old! When’s the last time you climbed a tree? Go squish your toes in the mud and find some crawdads.  Sand castles, anyone? Go on a hike. (Bring plenty of water.) Teach your son how to pee his name.  (Just not near an electric fence, not that I have any firsthand knowledge of that or anything…) Share an ice cream cone. Have a watermelon fight – hey, that’s what the water hose is for, right?  Let your kid bury you in the sand. Do anything – but TURN OFF your electronics (after you finish reading this, of course, hehe) and give all your attention to your kids. They deserve it.

No kids yet? Then go make your own memories. Don’t live a life unfulfilled. Find a new summer love. Walk down the beach and check out the guys – or girls. Take chances. Eat like crap and don’t worry about the calories because you should be on the go enough to burn it off anyway. Go to a concert. Have a cook out.  Fill your cooler up, hit the sand, and be a Flip Flip Cowboy or Cowgirl.  Ride a roller coaster and throw your hands in the air on the drops. Get a new hairstyle. Get a tattoo. Eat a dish you would never in a million years have considered trying before. Go see your mom and dad and your grandparents; cook dinner for them. Ask your grandma to tell you something about your dad’s childhood that he would find embarrassing. Wash your car in the driveway or yard. (Barry Jackson will tell you if you get it right.) Go to a ball game. Roll your windows down and sing at the top of your lungs while totally jacking up the lyrics, or making your own. Watch some fireworks.  Better yet, create your own!

And whether you have kids or don’t have kids, don’t forget to Carpe Luna! Go skinny dipping, or chunky dunking as the case may be.  Ride around in the back of a truck.  Make some smores in the backyard. Sip some strawberry wine. Run naked in a summer rainstorm – stop, close your eyes, and just feel the water falling against your skin, each drop a tiny sense memory burning its way into your brain.

Whatever you do, get off your butt and go engage in the outside world. Now if you will excuse me, Connor and I are going to a birthday, pool party.  :)